50 Shades of what?

24 May

So my mom and sister are all hyped up over this book. I think one of my besties told me about it too – I think she fanned herself when she told me it’s filled with hot, erotic sex. So naturally, I had to immediately download this to my Kindle and pour a martini.

Chapter 1.

What the FUCK people? This is a poorly written Harlequin Romance novel, with the most idiotic prose I have read since I was twelve. But since I am, after all, a 12-year old at heart, I keep reading, my mind drifting back to 5th grade and Molly, my reading buddy, bestie and first girl kiss. I wonder if she’s read this? (She’s reading this blog post so perhaps she’ll share?)

****SPOILER ALERT****

Don’t read this post if a) you don’t want to read me mocking this book so far, or b) if you intend to read it and wonder if the maiden gets her rose petal plucked and plundered by his manly sword.

Now if you weren’t aware, this is Twilight fanfiction – where a serious fan decided Edward and Bella should actually be into kinky fuckery. The fanfiction turned into something a bit more lucrative and the author changed the characters’ names to Anastasia and Christian. Whatevs.

Anyhoohaw, I just finished Chapter 8. So far, our mousy and clutsy heroine (who probably has a secret smell that is Christian’s personal brand of heroin) has asked him if he’s gay, drunk dialed him, vomited in front of him, been man-handled in an elevator (OK, that was hawt.) Then, he whisks her to Seattle in a helicopter, gives her some wine, and makes her sign a non-disclosure agreement about anything they do or talk about. What the FUCK people?

He says he needs to show her his playroom. Her reply was something like “you want to play with your XBox?” I expected his reply to be filled with innuendo and was sorely miffed that he didn’t even try. Harrumph.

The playroom was filled with all sorts of shit I have no idea how it’s used. I’m certain the clinical descriptions provided in chapter 7 are quite accurate, buy *yawn*, didn’t make my heart pound.

Keep in mind people, Anastasia is a virgin. Kissed maybe two or three times in her LIFE. So I find it humorous that she doesn’t run for the hills. Instead, they calmly discuss Tess of the d’Ubervilles and debasement.

Me: Dear Author, I prefer less literary reference and more innuendo with my erotica, thanks.

The first sex scenes are kinda just so-so. So far, I don’t see the hype. Am I the only one rolling my eyes at the prose?Readers, enlighten me? What am I missing, besides really good writing and story telling…

One Response to “50 Shades of what?”

  1. Blogdramedy May 28, 2012 at 8:47 am #

    Well color me tickled pink. Boldly Mocking is back mocking boldly. :-) This is so cool I think I need to go buy some shoes immediately. Glad to see the snark back.

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