Mostly wordless Wednesday…

6 Nov

Yes, I’m dating again…

Guys, on a first date, you probably shouldn't tell her that you once shoved a fork in someone's eye...

Guys, on a first date, you probably shouldn’t tell her that you once shoved a fork in someone’s eye…

40+ and fabulous?…

25 Jul

40andFabulousI’m definitely fabulous.

I’m definitely 40+.

So why the question mark?

Yes, I get it people, I’m OVER FORTY… Middle aged. But I don’t feel old, except when I jump off the couch and get the ankle shots, or throw my back into spasms when I bend over to pick up some shoes from the floor. Then, I definitely feel my somewhat advanced age.

Is 40 the new 30? Since I’m now closer to 50, is 50 the new 30? Please tell me yes.

I was having a conversation yesterday with a 30-something and a 20-something about kids. The 20-something doesn’t have any and is not in a hurry to kick start her baby-making machine. The 30-something is adamant that if she’s gonna have another kid, it must happen NOW, before she turns 40. Because you know, HER EGGS ARE DYING. As a childless woman myself, I had very little to add to the conversation, but it got me scratching my head about how old I felt. Or rather, how young I felt.

Whatever you feel about your age, here’s a few things you should know about (some, maybe not all) the single women over 40:

  1. We love our high heels and designer handbags. Maybe the younger gals feel the same way, but we devote entire closets to our collections. Mine have commandeered the linen closet, relegating the towels and sheets to various outposts.
  2. We take vitamins and have a serious skin care routine. If it weren’t for the Ginkgo Biloba, we’d probably forget to take off our eyelash extensions at night.
  3. We are fine not knowing all the pesky little details about everything. This is partly because we’d need to find our reading glasses, and partly because we just won’t remember them.
  4. We wear cute fedora’s. Not only does it say what a young hipster we are, but it hides our gray roots.
  5. We do the botox. If you seem surprised by this, perhaps you should consider it as well. Just make that face in the mirror. You know, the one that makes your forehead resemble high winds on the river. That one.
  6. We like younger men. Nobody thinks erectile dysfunction is sexy. NOBODY. And besides, the guys our age are home in their barcaloungers drinking Bud Light and watching sports.
  7. We wear yoga pants. Sometimes, we even go to yoga. But mostly it’s because our weight is fluctuating in anticipation of menopause.
  8. We want to turn back the clock. Not too far, mind you, but far back enough to match the outside with how we feel inside. Kinda like matching the curtains to the carpet, if hard wood floors weren’t so popular today.

Right now, at 47, I have more confidence and courage in who I am and what I have to offer the world than I did when I was 20- or 30-something. So while my skin might be a little bit thinner in places, it’s a lot thicker in others.

Am I fabulous? Um, yes. As a professional, as a woman, as a friend, as a lover. No question about it.

The Five Stages of a Giraffe Stuck in Quicksand

17 Jul

Laughing hilariously here. Seriously.

Dharma Goddess: The Journey to Me

This makes me laugh like crazy!

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Marked for life…

2 Jul
Irony, coincidence, or karma?
Irony, coincidence, or karma?

If you have to ask who this is, you aren’t getting the subtle humor mocking him here. Here’s an idiom hint for those not paying attention to world news and Washington politics:

It was obvious he was guilty of espionage, it’s a plain as the mole on his neck.

Get it?!

Dipping my toe…

8 Jan
Maybe just one toe for now...

Maybe just one toe for now…

As a suddenly single woman in her (gulp) late forties again, I decided to jump right back into the dating pool. Well, jump is a stretch. How about dipping my toe in the shallow end? Just enough to cause a little ripple, but not enough that I am in neck deep.

Ugh – creating an online profile is like filling out a job application. And I don’t like applying for new jobs. Plus, that means I have to go on an interview date. Where we watch each other’s body postures and gestures and look for hidden meanings, and decide if that hour-long coffee date was an hour we won’t ever get back, or if there’s any chance for boot knocking at some point in the future.

It’s stressful. Makes me all twitchy just thinking about it.

But I persevered through the enrollment process (rolling my eyes) and now find myself weeding out the undesirables.

What the hell is wrong with the 20-somethings out there that a) they need to meet girls on a dating site, and b) they’d want to date someone old enough to be their mother? I have even been approached by teenagers! WT-holy-F?

Me: I have a rule about a potential date – he must have worn polyester in the 70’s.

Kid: I like totally luv that show. Ashton rocks /m\./m\

Me: *blink*

Also, I don’t mind bald men, just go bald proudly. Pull a Britney already. No toupees, no combovers. You look foolish and it upsets me that you allow a furry mammal to ride your head.

Me: Thanks for stopping by, but I don’t think we’d be a match. Good luck with your adventures­čÖé

Hairclub: Is it because I have three cats?

Me: *sigh*

Mmmm. Yummy.

Mmmm. Yummy.

I got a message from 50ShadesofGray. Now, you’ve GOT to be kidding me. Oh please, let me continue before you roll your eyes. No, his avatar was NOT Christian Gray. He was 50+ years old with a paunch. Here you go ladies who love the 50 Shades thing. Enjoy! The best part – his message to me.

50: I want to own you.

Me: Not a good opening line. I don’t think we’d be a good match. Take care­čÖé

50: Wait, why? You probably get told how pretty you are all the time. I thought you’d like me.

Me: Don’t make me block you.


Will I find Mr. Right online? Who knows. At least I’m finding some humor. For now, at least there’s that!

Adventures in porn…

15 Nov

It all started when my favorite morning radio crew started going on and on and on about porn. How they all watch and enjoy it – well, not together, but you get the gist.

I used to watch porn. Not like every day, but I do fondly recall my first time seeing Debbie Does Dallas. Hell, I remember my second time watching that, too.

Today’s porn is what I call hit-n-quit, nail-n-bail, and smash-n-dash. If you need me to explain that, then you’re not watching enough porn. Shame on you.

The boyfriend asked me what porn turns me on. I really had to think about that. Not so much a fan of girl on girl, mainly because all that scissoring looks awkward – plus those strap on’s would scare even Black Beauty into winning the Triple Crown.

So I gave this more thought. And did some research. And by research, I mean, you know what I mean. What about inter-racial? Gay or bi-sexual? Anal? MILF? Fetish? Midget? As you can see, I have given this all a LOT of thought (rolling my eyes.)

I don’t get it.

I decided the best thing to do is to start with the basics and move on from there. My first adventure was your basic one guy, one girl flick. I spent more time critiquing their bodies than anything else. Such as “Dude, she’s got fucked up teefs, you might reconsider that mouth hug there…” and “Why does he have a Farmer Ted tan?”

Alright then. On to the next. This one┬ásounded intriguing and had a plot! It was even shot on location inside a public restroom. My curiosity totally got the best of me – I mean, really? Yes, really. The producer / slash leading man/ slash cameraman met the girl IN THE STALL and after a clinical discussion about what she would and wouldn’t do (nothing was off limits), and whether she had any STDs or questions (which she didn’t or so claimed), it was strip down baby and on our knees. On the bathroom tiled floor. With no knee protection! And see folks, herein lies my problem. I started yelling “What a dick! She’s gonna be bruised for DAYS!”

Then he switched positions and yes, people, he sat ON TOP OF THE TOILET SEAT and she reverse cowgirl’d him. How is this even possible you ask? Yeah, same here. I screamed “This is totally hilarious – I mean, come on, who can even DO that?!”

OK, now what?

I’m perusing the titles and intro’s and stills on the porn site to see what else might be worth mocking watching. Oh look, here’s a man with his entire FIST up a girl’s butt… Or maybe the bukkake one… Or what about the…


Last night, I tried anal. I just love saying that. The girl had a nice ass. I think she bleached too. So no mocking from me there. But the video was only about 4 minutes long and ended with her giving oral – to which I gaped in horror over the chances she just got E. Coli or hepatitis.

Maybe the problem is that I’m expecting something that home porn simply cannot deliver. I mean, even the cat is bored here.

Where’s my catnip?

I worry that, for me, porn is like a train wreck. I can’t turn away from it, I’m fascinated by the carnage, and feel bad for everyone involved. Next up: midget porn. If nothing else, I can check that off my bucket list of things to do before I die.

Mostly Wordless Wednesday…

31 Oct

Today is Halloween. My office is having a Halloween Costume Contest but I’m not a big fan of a) dressing up in a costume and b) joining in these reindeer games at work – so I opted out of the festivities.

So instead of dressing up, I decided to dress down. Wear something casual and fun. Here’s today’s shoes.

They have a six inch heel. They put me over 6 feet tall. #intimidation *ducking my head in doorways*

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