Help! I’ve fallen…

12 Sep

Don't even think of picking that up...

It’s a sad sad day indeed when a 40-something gal goes shoe shopping and winds up ass down near the price check during the One-Day Sale at Macy’s.

And that’s how I spent my Saturday afternoon folks. After a humiliating early morning where I got to meet 10 or so of the hubby’s “Go Bears” posse while not so pretty (translation: disgusting and sloppy), I decided there’s nothing like a new pair of shoes or three to cheer a gal up.

So off I went armed with a 20% off coupon and high hopes. And high heels. Well, just 3″ wedges. But they were caramel suede and smart as hell.

If you’ve ever been to a department store one-day sale, you know that every woman there is in it for herself. There’s no polite “excuse me” or “I’m sorry” happening between the racks of highly discounted shoes. No, these women will step on your bare foot with 4″ spikey heels if you don’t move along fast enough. I should know – I’ve ‘accidentally’ done that. And I do mean accidentally. To the lady with the tan capri’s and floral top I swear I really am sorry. Just was so focused I didn’t notice…

Anyhoo, I found these great 4.5″ light tan wedge’s on the sale rack. I take my right shoe off, and say hello to my new little friend. It’s a bit awkward walking with one 3″ heel and one 4.5″ heel, but I’m game. I wobble between the isles and then voila, sitting all by her lonesome on the floor is a dazzling multi-color strappy 4″ beauty begging me to adopt her like a cute little puppy in the window.

I eagerly bend down to pick her up and cuddle her. She is perfect! I must try her on.

As luck would have it, it’s a left shoe – so I push off my own shoe and balancing precariously now on one 4.5″ wedge, I lift my left foot up, and just as I’m reaching down to put the new strappy puppy on…

I flippin tip over!

Right by the price check machine.

And in front of all those women who gasped and one who asked if I was OK in that voice reserved for people who clearly are not, you know, OK.

I dropped fast and hard – it’s a good thing I already broke my left wrist in a freak roller skating accident back in ’04 and as a result have a $6M bionic wrist (I joke, it’s just a 5″ titanium bar with 8{gulp} huge screws), otherwise, you can imagine the drama that would have been Lisa. Oh yeah, I’m absolutely a wuss.

So as quick as my pride would let me, I got up and looked the woman in the eye who asked if I was OK and said “that was fucking embarrassing.” To which she made that little “O” with her mouth and walked away.

Thoroughly disgraced, I blindly walked toward a table of boots. Pretended they were super duper and picked 4 of them up… Then I realized I was lopsided.  I had no shoe on my left foot but I did retain that cute 4.5″ tan wedge on my right.

And in my hand, one of my shoes. Where the hell did I lose the other shoe? I walked topsy turvy through every table, rack, seated area no less than 6 times retracing my path trying to find my shoe. It was gone. Would someone have mistook my clearly worn shoe that wasn’t marked with a Macy’s label as a freebie? Who would do that? Why would they do that? Wierdos.

I also couldn’t find that cute strappy number after that – and since my own shoe never turned up, I can only surmise that they must be part of the mystery of the missing sock in the dryer syndrome.

I was faced with really only one choice here – I had to eventually leave and to do so, I’d have to walk barefoot through the mall parking lot – or – buy a new pair of shoes. The one that was fated to me. Those cute 4.5″ light tan wedges that were on incredible sale.

The day ended happily enough, but I have aa bruise on my ass and thigh that will remind me for a while that life is very imbalanced and you must compensate sometimes with flats. Or however you compensate.


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