The most wonderful time of the year

21 Dec

It’s the hap-happiest season of all… Except for the crank-crankiest people in the mall.

It all started when I went to the mall looking for something fun for me. After spending 20 minutes finding a parking space that took me 20 minutes to walk to the mall, I arrived at the gilded gate to the glorified glitz of the super-sized shopping center.

The constant ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding of the dude trying to get people to drop a nickle into his bucket was very upsetting this year. Not just because I am pretty sure I lost part of my hearing in a freak water-skiing adventure that turned into vertigo that turned into me cupping my ear to hear what’s being said, but because I emptied my wallet to make room for all these stupid coupons I’ll never use so I didn’t have any coins or greenbacks to MAKE.HIM.STOP.THE.FREAKING.DING.DING.NOISE.NOW.

So with ringing in my ear (notice it wasn’t plural), I go to Bebe to see if there was anything a chick my age could wear without fear that some 20-something would {gulp} mock me for wearing. Um. That sooo didn’t work in my favor.

But I did see this Asian woman and her daughter start tugging at a slinky black dress. Since I don’t understand a thing they are saying I am forced to interpret tone and body language.

And I must say – it was quite the spectacle.

Angry Mom with eyes slanted downward (more downward than normal) grabs dress and yells something that has Teenager From Hell yank dress back and repeat Angry Mom’s epitaph (or so it sounded to me.) Spittle flies freely and I suspect lands on said garment.

Back and forth. Ending with a rip, a drop of the dress, and both ladies fled the scene.

Sales folks were conspicuously absent from the mayhem. I think they blended into the size 00 clothes rack that hardly anyone ever touches.

For me, I didn’t see anything more exciting than the Angry Asian Dress Tug-o-War so I left.

I went next to Banana Republic. Don’t you just love the name. I always expect monkeys to fly out the door. Or throw shit.

Which for me, was a dream about to come true. Imagine my delight.

Priggish man is buying I have no idea what for some female in his life. Starts complaining loudly, very loudly about I have no idea what. Sales staff congregate at this register and try to placate Papa but he’s perhaps empowered by the sudden attention and starts making everyone feel like shit, which I can see because he threw something over the counter. Maybe a pen. Or the tape dispenser.

When the dust settles, and Mr. Prig leaves, the girls almost physically shook the shit off their selves and most definitely shook the shit out of their heads so they could get back to job at hand. To sell stuff.

My conclusion: Sales folks at the mall have a shitty job. Granted, they have a job, but it comes with a high price indeed.

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7 Responses to “The most wonderful time of the year”

  1. Lisa's Mom December 21, 2010 at 11:45 pm #

    Yeah, and sales people at small boutiques (like mine)hear a bunch of shit, too. Yep, a high price to pay.

    • Boldly Mocking December 22, 2010 at 10:27 am #

      And I seem to recall that sometimes sales people have to clean up patron poop from garments… Insanity run amok!

  2. Nicki December 22, 2010 at 3:56 am #

    I hate the mall at Christmas. Enough said.

    • Boldly Mocking December 22, 2010 at 10:28 am #

      I kinda hate the mall all the time. I hate crowds. Explains my aversion to visit China and Japan.

  3. Fabulously Awkward December 22, 2010 at 1:50 pm #

    Bahah. I love personal spectacles. But only if I am able to watch from a distance with no one bumping into me. I need my personal space. For that reason, I do most of my shopping online.

  4. Jessica December 26, 2010 at 5:19 pm #

    Ok. Wait. So what fun thing did you get? Did I miss that part?

    • Boldly Mocking December 27, 2010 at 6:50 pm #

      That’s the part that sucks the most. I didn’t get anything fun. The 4″ booties that totally rocked weren’t in my size. And neither were the “boyfriend” cut jeans I wanted. Dangit. So the only fun thing I got out of that trip was the stories.

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