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Marked for life…

2 Jul
Irony, coincidence, or karma?
Irony, coincidence, or karma?

If you have to ask who this is, you aren’t getting the subtle humor mocking him here. Here’s an idiom hint for those not paying attention to world news and Washington politics:

It was obvious he was guilty of espionage, it’s a plain as the mole on his neck.

Get it?!

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Dipping my toe…

8 Jan
Maybe just one toe for now...

Maybe just one toe for now…

As a suddenly single woman in her (gulp) late forties again, I decided to jump right back into the dating pool. Well, jump is a stretch. How about dipping my toe in the shallow end? Just enough to cause a little ripple, but not enough that I am in neck deep.

Ugh – creating an online profile is like filling out a job application. And I don’t like applying for new jobs. Plus, that means I have to go on an interview date. Where we watch each other’s body postures and gestures and look for hidden meanings, and decide if that hour-long coffee date was an hour we won’t ever get back, or if there’s any chance for boot knocking at some point in the future.

It’s stressful. Makes me all twitchy just thinking about it.

But I persevered through the enrollment process (rolling my eyes) and now find myself weeding out the undesirables.

What the hell is wrong with the 20-somethings out there that a) they need to meet girls on a dating site, and b) they’d want to date someone old enough to be their mother? I have even been approached by teenagers! WT-holy-F?

Me: I have a rule about a potential date – he must have worn polyester in the 70’s.

Kid: I like totally luv that show. Ashton rocks /m\./m\

Me: *blink*

Also, I don’t mind bald men, just go bald proudly. Pull a Britney already. No toupees, no combovers. You look foolish and it upsets me that you allow a furry mammal to ride your head.

Me: Thanks for stopping by, but I don’t think we’d be a match. Good luck with your adventures 🙂

Hairclub: Is it because I have three cats?

Me: *sigh*

Mmmm. Yummy.

Mmmm. Yummy.

I got a message from 50ShadesofGray. Now, you’ve GOT to be kidding me. Oh please, let me continue before you roll your eyes. No, his avatar was NOT Christian Gray. He was 50+ years old with a paunch. Here you go ladies who love the 50 Shades thing. Enjoy! The best part – his message to me.

50: I want to own you.

Me: Not a good opening line. I don’t think we’d be a good match. Take care 🙂

50: Wait, why? You probably get told how pretty you are all the time. I thought you’d like me.

Me: Don’t make me block you.

—————————————–

Will I find Mr. Right online? Who knows. At least I’m finding some humor. For now, at least there’s that!

Adventures in porn…

15 Nov

It all started when my favorite morning radio crew started going on and on and on about porn. How they all watch and enjoy it – well, not together, but you get the gist.

I used to watch porn. Not like every day, but I do fondly recall my first time seeing Debbie Does Dallas. Hell, I remember my second time watching that, too.

Today’s porn is what I call hit-n-quit, nail-n-bail, and smash-n-dash. If you need me to explain that, then you’re not watching enough porn. Shame on you.

The boyfriend asked me what porn turns me on. I really had to think about that. Not so much a fan of girl on girl, mainly because all that scissoring looks awkward – plus those strap on’s would scare even Black Beauty into winning the Triple Crown.

So I gave this more thought. And did some research. And by research, I mean, you know what I mean. What about inter-racial? Gay or bi-sexual? Anal? MILF? Fetish? Midget? As you can see, I have given this all a LOT of thought (rolling my eyes.)

I don’t get it.

I decided the best thing to do is to start with the basics and move on from there. My first adventure was your basic one guy, one girl flick. I spent more time critiquing their bodies than anything else. Such as “Dude, she’s got fucked up teefs, you might reconsider that mouth hug there…” and “Why does he have a Farmer Ted tan?”

Alright then. On to the next. This one sounded intriguing and had a plot! It was even shot on location inside a public restroom. My curiosity totally got the best of me – I mean, really? Yes, really. The producer / slash leading man/ slash cameraman met the girl IN THE STALL and after a clinical discussion about what she would and wouldn’t do (nothing was off limits), and whether she had any STDs or questions (which she didn’t or so claimed), it was strip down baby and on our knees. On the bathroom tiled floor. With no knee protection! And see folks, herein lies my problem. I started yelling “What a dick! She’s gonna be bruised for DAYS!”

Then he switched positions and yes, people, he sat ON TOP OF THE TOILET SEAT and she reverse cowgirl’d him. How is this even possible you ask? Yeah, same here. I screamed “This is totally hilarious – I mean, come on, who can even DO that?!”

OK, now what?

I’m perusing the titles and intro’s and stills on the porn site to see what else might be worth mocking watching. Oh look, here’s a man with his entire FIST up a girl’s butt… Or maybe the bukkake one… Or what about the…

Sigh.

Last night, I tried anal. I just love saying that. The girl had a nice ass. I think she bleached too. So no mocking from me there. But the video was only about 4 minutes long and ended with her giving oral – to which I gaped in horror over the chances she just got E. Coli or hepatitis.

Maybe the problem is that I’m expecting something that home porn simply cannot deliver. I mean, even the cat is bored here.

Where’s my catnip?

I worry that, for me, porn is like a train wreck. I can’t turn away from it, I’m fascinated by the carnage, and feel bad for everyone involved. Next up: midget porn. If nothing else, I can check that off my bucket list of things to do before I die.

I’ve lost it…

9 May

I seem to have lost something. Maybe I left it in a drawer in my old house. Or it’s sitting in a box on a shelf in my storage closet? I used to carry it with me every day and now *poof* it’s simply gone.

The odd thing is I don’t remember losing it. I guess I didn’t even notice it was missing, which is almost more upsetting than not having it anymore.

I’m talking about my snark. My passion for sarcasm and antics. My funny.

I used to find this hilarious…

I’ve worn it like a trench coat covering my naked body, allowing me to flash my goods at random passersby and feeling all proper at the same time.

Just a year ago, I was discussing the family dominatrix with my friend’s father. Just before that, I was dancing on a table with a hot young actor. Since then, nuttin.

So now I begin the hunt for my old humor and mirth. I’ll start at Walmart to see if I can find it there.

Does this really need a caption?

Ménage à trois?

12 Mar

Abso-freaking-lutely.

I always say, “two’s company and three’s a party”. But that’s me. I’m crazy that way.

So when I was chatting with my very good gal pal, the ever so divine @theMartiniDiva, we were bantering about booze and my mood. I was feeling dry and bitter. Like eggplant. So I wanted her to suggest a Martini to suit my mood. But not with eggplant.

She came back with a gimlet of course. A vodka gimlet. I’m a sucker for vodka. Ketel One specifically. And last weekend, true Russian Standard shots with Dmitriy got me table top dancing with some actors at an event for Special Olympics. True story. For another post of course ;).

Anyhoohaw – she suggests a gimlet – I tell her I have a madcap recipe for a Ruby Red and Mandarin Orange gimlet that is outta this world. I call it of course…

Ménage à trois.

Did you think I'd add a kinky picture? Ha!

So we decide to post my recipe on her fabulous website – where there are drink recipes for pretty much anything your little hearts desire.

And because she likes me, I mean really likes me, she made it into a printable card. With my LEGS on it. Yep, my legs. In stilettos.

Cuz I’m crazy that way.

And yes, these are my legs. No lie. I’m such a shameless chit.

You can view (and print) my legs and recipe here.

Either way, enjoy yourself and your new friends. Cuz if you order this drink at a bar, you will find yourself surrounded by new people. And by new, I mean new “friends”.

OKAY, thanks bye.

Frozen

22 Feb

And I quote… from Netflix that is. How hilarious is that?

…”Three friends get trapped overnight on a ski lift at a New England resort. To make matters worse, they don’t have cell phones. To make matters worse than that, the resort is closed for the entire next week. To make matters worse still, a potentially deadly storm starts raging approximately two minutes after they get trapped up there. To make matters further worse, in the immediate area lurk blood-thirsty wolves (you know, the kind you always see running around killing people at posh ski resorts); and the characters aren’t all that interesting or sympathetic…”

I sniggled and giggled over this one.

Here’s why… I cringed when I saw this title. I mean, I’m a skier. Melikey my new skis and my new awesome gear. So this movie, aimed straight at my heart, pin pricking the fear that is all me and all in my head, made me drop my jaw and visions of “the other side of the freaking mountain” sprung their ugly twisted thoughts in my head. And visions of being a quadiplegic blonde chick in a wheel chair being spoon fed by her soon-to-be-ex-fiance made me rethink my choice of movie rentals.

That is, til I read this awesome review.

So – props to the dude with the badass review (xgd 485095) who reminded me that wolves don’t invade my lovely ski resort, nor would I ever be the last one at the party. I’m just not that kind of ski bunny. You know, the kind that is there for last call. Nut-uh.

I’m this kind – sunny skies, and clothing optional. That’s just how I roll. In springtime!

Now stop drooling you fools. You think I’d really post a picture of my backside all nekked? Well, maybe yes. But still.

Get a grip.

Nice chew toy…

12 Feb

I had martini’s the other night with my friend Inga.

She told me a story about what happened the other night to a friend of hers.  It’s a cautionary tale in many ways.

Like most single gals, Betty is kinda like Wonder Woman: she works, pays her mortgage, cooks, cleans, kicks ass and loves jewelry. She has good friends and her parents are even nearby.

So in Wonder Woman’s very busy world, she sometimes has to squeeze in some special “personal” time. If you catch my drift… And that time was around 7:30p the other night.

It was also about that time when Wonder Woman’s parents decided to make an unannounced visit. The quick knock knock on the front door followed by the parents letting themselves in yelling out “Betty, where are you?” had Betty flying off the bed faster than Wonder Woman fighting off bullets with those awesome bracelets.

With a zip, tuck and tug, she flew downstairs. Patted her hair. Chatted with the folks who said they just popped over on their way to dinner, would she like to join? She didn’t have a chance to answer this…

Oh, did I mention Wonder Woman has a dog? A big black lab. Calls her Sunshine. She’s an inquisitive and loving doggie. Loves to play. Ummm hmmm.

While Wonder Woman was distracted by her parents, little miss Sunshine decided it was time for a game of fetch. And she knew just the perfect stick to retrieve.

Running into Wonder Woman’s bedroom, Sunshine spots her target, gleefully grabs it, and makes a mad dash downstairs to get the humans to toss it for her. “Look at me! Look at me!” she cries to them. So they did.

“What the ach?”

Sunshine is sporting a 6″ black sex toy gripped between her doggie lips, drool kinda dangling off one side. Wonder Woman, since she really doesn’t telepath with her dog, instead yelled “Sunshine!”

And Sunshine promptly sat down, dropped her new big black dong chew toy between them all, and wagged her tail furiously. And barked.

At first stunned by the fact that there was big black dong chew toy resting at their feet, nobody moved. Then Mom starts to bend down to retrieve it when Wonder Woman quickly grabbed it and tossed it out the back door. Prayed to the Amazon Gods that her folks didn’t actually see what it was.

I say look at the bright side. It could have been worse. At least it wasn’t vibrating.

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