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Adventures in porn…

15 Nov

It all started when my favorite morning radio crew started going on and on and on about porn. How they all watch and enjoy it – well, not together, but you get the gist.

I used to watch porn. Not like every day, but I do fondly recall my first time seeing Debbie Does Dallas. Hell, I remember my second time watching that, too.

Today’s porn is what I call hit-n-quit, nail-n-bail, and smash-n-dash. If you need me to explain that, then you’re not watching enough porn. Shame on you.

The boyfriend asked me what porn turns me on. I really had to think about that. Not so much a fan of girl on girl, mainly because all that scissoring looks awkward – plus those strap on’s would scare even Black Beauty into winning the Triple Crown.

So I gave this more thought. And did some research. And by research, I mean, you know what I mean. What about inter-racial? Gay or bi-sexual? Anal? MILF? Fetish? Midget? As you can see, I have given this all a LOT of thought (rolling my eyes.)

I don’t get it.

I decided the best thing to do is to start with the basics and move on from there. My first adventure was your basic one guy, one girl flick. I spent more time critiquing their bodies than anything else. Such as “Dude, she’s got fucked up teefs, you might reconsider that mouth hug there…” and “Why does he have a Farmer Ted tan?”

Alright then. On to the next. This one sounded intriguing and had a plot! It was even shot on location inside a public restroom. My curiosity totally got the best of me – I mean, really? Yes, really. The producer / slash leading man/ slash cameraman met the girl IN THE STALL and after a clinical discussion about what she would and wouldn’t do (nothing was off limits), and whether she had any STDs or questions (which she didn’t or so claimed), it was strip down baby and on our knees. On the bathroom tiled floor. With no knee protection! And see folks, herein lies my problem. I started yelling “What a dick! She’s gonna be bruised for DAYS!”

Then he switched positions and yes, people, he sat ON TOP OF THE TOILET SEAT and she reverse cowgirl’d him. How is this even possible you ask? Yeah, same here. I screamed “This is totally hilarious – I mean, come on, who can even DO that?!”

OK, now what?

I’m perusing the titles and intro’s and stills on the porn site to see what else might be worth mocking watching. Oh look, here’s a man with his entire FIST up a girl’s butt… Or maybe the bukkake one… Or what about the…

Sigh.

Last night, I tried anal. I just love saying that. The girl had a nice ass. I think she bleached too. So no mocking from me there. But the video was only about 4 minutes long and ended with her giving oral – to which I gaped in horror over the chances she just got E. Coli or hepatitis.

Maybe the problem is that I’m expecting something that home porn simply cannot deliver. I mean, even the cat is bored here.

Where’s my catnip?

I worry that, for me, porn is like a train wreck. I can’t turn away from it, I’m fascinated by the carnage, and feel bad for everyone involved. Next up: midget porn. If nothing else, I can check that off my bucket list of things to do before I die.

Dancing with the devil

30 May

I lead a perty darned good life. One filled with interesting and funny people who tell me the most outrageous things. I suspect they do this because the more scandalous the story, the more I laugh, clap, and sparkle. Gawd I love my friends!

Villa Tranquilla

So this post is about the weekend we had recently in Sonoma. It was HER birthday and she invited a group of friends and family for some drunken debauchery.

And of course, good wine, good food, good times, and general insanity.

In advance, HER told me that I would really like her dad, but to watch out. She said “Oh, yeah, he’s gonna just love you.” She said this part part looking me straight in the eye and laughing. I cocked my head, cuz after all, she knows me. I mean KNOWS ME. Knows what a huge flirt I am and how I tend to instigate crazy antics.

Anyhoohaw, we meet up at Flowers along the Sonoma Coast and while it was like only 10:30 in the morning, drinking wine just felt natural for HER and I. Since we tend to spend a lot of weekends together, we tell ourselves it’s totally okay to start drinking whenever we want because it’s always 5:00p somewhere.

Wine tasting? NO, they gave us four WHOLE BOTTLES to drink. Yay!

So after the first day of tasting drinking a barrel full of wine on an empty stomach, HER dad arrives at Villa Tranquilla. He’s 69 years old (he says with a wink and a leer), fit, flirty, and quick to laugh. Oh hell to the yeah! He and I bonded faster than two fingers and some super glue.

He’s drinking whiskey in a wine glass (oh the humor!) – and I’m drunkety drunk apparently feeling very comfortable with him. It was mutual. V.E.R.Y. And while us womenfolk were off in the living room dancing, the menfolk were in the kitchen (making us food *thanks*) – well, all except for HER dad. He’s hanging out with us ladies in the living room.

I was in charge of the playlist so I decided some Rihanna was needed. At one point, HER dad and I were dirty-ish dancing. For the rest of the weekend he continually reminded me that I am responsible for pulling his “inner thigh muscle too hard“. I of course reminded him that he should’ve stretched more before dancing with the devil. He loved this!

So the next day, after drinking my dirty mary’s for a little hair of the dog recovery, and then hitting our first winery, we all headed to lunch. I sat near HER dad. Who regaled me with so many stories that I laughed so loud it was somewhat reminiscent of Sally showing Harry in the diner how a fake orgasm is properly done. Fist slamming the table and screaming Yes! Yes!

Pronounced: DOM-IN-NOT-TRICKS

You see, he announced to me that they have a dominatrix (pronounced DOM-IN-NOT-TRICKS) in the family.

Me: Get out!  *open handed slapping the table*

HER Dad: Oh, it’s true. And she’s quite hot.

Me: Wha?  *slamming the table screaming YES!*

HER: People, this is lunch.  *rolling her eyes*

Me: I love you!!

HER dad: She’s a professional.

Me: As in “I get paid to help you work out your submissive issues?”

HER dad: Yes, and she’s married to my nephew.

Me: So let me get this shit straight *clapping with glee*, she ties her “clients” up and helps them work through their bid-ness and then goes home. Where possibly her husband casually inquires “How was your day, dear?”

HER dad: Yes, exactly. It’s quite fascinating.

Me: Does she use whips and chains and other props, like a riding crop or dog collar? *completely fascinated*

HER dad: Yeah, I think she does.

HER: GUYS!!!

Me: *sorta shamefaced, and now grinning slyly at HER dad with a gesture indicating ‘we’ll continue this convo later’*

By the way, Harissa French Fries are the bomb. Seriously good. And if you don’t already know this about me, I am a huge foodie.

Overall, the weekend antics and whatnot was epic and just the right amount of naughty! HER dad flirted like a pro with me, to which he openly admitted and frankly, I so totally dug! And there was lots of drinking, dancing, laughing, and storytelling. HER family is crazazy insane in a very good way – and I’m certain we will do this again. And by this, I mean everything you think I mean.

For now, in vino veritas. There is truth in wine. Where it’s from, how it grows, it’s environmental influences, how it’s made, smells, tastes, and makes you feel. Like the bouquet of life, wine reminds us how precious each bottle is, and how special it is to open it to good friends.

To HER for including all of us on her special day – I love you girlfriend!

I like it a little hot and dirty in the morning

30 Apr

There is almost nothing better to get your morning off to a damn tootin great start than some hot, spicy, and dare I say dirty deliciousness.  I am of course referring to my usual weekend routine here at the cabin. And just because I’m here alone this weekend, doesn’t change my lust for this ritual.

Oh hey, now, re-reading this intro sounds…. oh c’mon… you’ve been reading my blog, my facebook posts, and my tweets haven’t you? You should know by now what a sassy pants I am, but in fact, I am referring to my love affair with vodka in this post.

Well hello Mary, you are super hot today...

Specifically, my DIRTY MARY. You know, the nectar the hubby and I continually drink the the Maynards every weekend. And I mean E.V.E.R.Y. I have a picture of these bad girls framed on my wall at the cabin (no lie) and I am soooooper proud to say, that as of yesterday, TheMartiniDiva decided to post my luscious dirty mary drink on her website. In a printable 3×5 recipe card. This will now be my second recipe the Diva has allowed to grace her website.

We converted the traditional “on the rocks” mary to a martini and since it’s such a hot muthufuckin drink we are calling it… what else… Hot Mama Martini.

So if you are anything like me, or want to be, or simply want some spice in the morning to fire up your loins, make yourself a batch of these tasty ladies. Caution: drinking these may make you do things like suddenly shout “aye caramba” and quite possibly giggle over likely unfunny comments. To me, that’s a win-win.

Oh me? Yeah, I’m fixin to make a batch at approximately 11:00a PDT. I’ll be imbibing while sitting in my hot tub listening to The Blend on XM. I’m predictable that way. 😉

Mwah babies. Have a splendiferous (this is like my new favorite faux word) day filled with antics, mayhem, and laughter.

E.D. It’s not just for breakfast anymore…

31 Mar

The other night, I got together with two of my crazy bitch co-workers. Damn, I love these women. WorkItGirl and HotBabyMama.

WorkItGirl asked me last week to help her “shop” for a new man in her life. What the hell did I get myself into?

So we meet up, and I ask “what are we shopping for anyway” and WorkItGirl tells me they are going to Yosemite. Immediately, I conjure imagines of hiking and whatnot. I decide the best advice I can give her is to wear some cute hiking knee socks, some cheeky panties and a hot ass bra. Yeah baby! Cuz that’s how I’d rock the hiking look. Oh yeah, and pigtails. Cuz I’m naughty (shocking yes?)

They don't REALLY have to be hiking socks. So not the point.

I ask WorkItGirl how she met him in the first place and she tells me it was through eHarmony. I’m like “wha?” and she’s like “I kno” and then she tells me and HotBabyMama the story of this guy she met once for coffee.  Who was a complete WTF and a funny story. (And not the guy she’s going to Yosemite with.)

So anyhoohaw, she meets this guy for coffee and he proceeds to tell her about his erectile dysfunction. Over coffee. Did I mention it was 10am? Do we not have propriety here? WTF?

She is goaded by her BFF for life to give him another chance. First off, there is nothing wrong with admitting you have ED. I’m lying. And mocking. If you have ED, shut the fuck up. Lie bitch. Especially on the first date. At breakfast no less.

But she decides, okay, maybe I freaked out and should give him another chance. Maybe it was misunderstood?

She meets Mr. ED for dinner.

All is well until dessert. Where he decides to spill the T.R.U.T.H. – over creme brulee no less. Apparently Mr. ED is undergoing a surgerical penile implant to help him with this little problem. He’s really selling himself to WorkItGirl with this expenditure.

Me and HotBabyMama devolve into mindless giggles. Just in time for the waitress to arrive. Whereby I spill the sad truth that we’re talking about penile implants and yes, please, may I have another martini? Three olives, shake it up I like it dirty…

I’m so glad I’m not single. And so glad I have friends who have such colorful lives and stories that allow me to feel their pain, mirth, and currently – joy.

P.S. WorkItGirl found some rockin knee high hiking socks. Schwing!

Vodka gets me in trouble…

19 Mar

Here’s the deal. I like my martini dirty (light on the dirty – maybe we call it a naughty martini). Either way, the root cause of all evil is wheat. I can prove it.

It all started when the Maynards invited us to join them for the Northern California Special Olympics celebrity ski event at Incline Village the other weekend. As soon as we arrive at the ski resort, we perch our asses pointing at the north shore and begin our ritual – you know, starting off the ski day by getting warm – ala some dirty mary’s.

Nice ass.

Properly revved up on napalm mary’s we ski’d for a bit then on to other fun activities – we head to the banquet. One word: Mayhem.

You see, Brad Kinney was manning the turntable and of course I had to go say hi. After all, we went to HS and are facebook friends and all. Such a small, small world. I clickity clacked my way over and said “Hi Brad!” and we chit chatted and maybe there was some flirt on my part. I mean, he’s BRAD!

Meanwhile, over at our table, dubbed Team Vodka (coincidence? I think not) we had one of K‘s colleagues, a very nice Russian man named Dmitriy. He’s been at these celebrity events before and knew everyone. I mean e-v-e-r-y-o-n-e.

He and I quickly hit it off, drinking shots of Russian Standard and talking in a thick Russian accent. My accent is a hot mess but Dmitiriy’s is real – which totally worked!! So after a few of these fire shots, me and my big girl shoes are dancing and whooping it up. I don’t need much of an excuse you know.

However, I have NO idea who I’m dancing with at this point. And it totally doesn’t matter. I think at one point I was bootie popping with Juliet Goodrich from CBS News. She saw one of my tattoos and became my new dance BFF.

Then, Dmitriy gets me in a gang-dance. I don’t know what else to call it. There were three of them and one of me. And outta nowhere, I find myself hoisted up on top of a dinner table to dance with Ryan Merriman (Pretty Little Liars) and Thyme Davis (Days of our Lives). No shit. Earlier that day, after skiing, we met up with them in the bar. Ryan showed me a picture on his iPhone. It was him – shredding at the terrain park.

But up on the table – dancing with Ryan and Thyme – this was well, both surreal and to be expected I guess. I mean, for those that know me. THIS. IS. NOT. UNCOMMON. FOR. ME.

Thanks Brad! The hat is smashing!

As the party goes on, out come the cute pink cowboy hats with tiaras (thanks Brad for giving me one first!). We continue drinking vodka, and I realize I’m a gonna pay dearly for this later.

And I do. Can barely walk the next day and I have to check my texts and tweets for too much sass. And then apologize. A lot.

Like a half-off shoe sale at Nordstrom’s, I love my vodka but it gets me in all sorts of trouble.

Ménage à trois?

12 Mar

Abso-freaking-lutely.

I always say, “two’s company and three’s a party”. But that’s me. I’m crazy that way.

So when I was chatting with my very good gal pal, the ever so divine @theMartiniDiva, we were bantering about booze and my mood. I was feeling dry and bitter. Like eggplant. So I wanted her to suggest a Martini to suit my mood. But not with eggplant.

She came back with a gimlet of course. A vodka gimlet. I’m a sucker for vodka. Ketel One specifically. And last weekend, true Russian Standard shots with Dmitriy got me table top dancing with some actors at an event for Special Olympics. True story. For another post of course ;).

Anyhoohaw – she suggests a gimlet – I tell her I have a madcap recipe for a Ruby Red and Mandarin Orange gimlet that is outta this world. I call it of course…

Ménage à trois.

Did you think I'd add a kinky picture? Ha!

So we decide to post my recipe on her fabulous website – where there are drink recipes for pretty much anything your little hearts desire.

And because she likes me, I mean really likes me, she made it into a printable card. With my LEGS on it. Yep, my legs. In stilettos.

Cuz I’m crazy that way.

And yes, these are my legs. No lie. I’m such a shameless chit.

You can view (and print) my legs and recipe here.

Either way, enjoy yourself and your new friends. Cuz if you order this drink at a bar, you will find yourself surrounded by new people. And by new, I mean new “friends”.

OKAY, thanks bye.

Drinks with a dildo-model

21 Jan

And by model, I’m referring to the guy whose big willy was the model for the #2 best-selling dildo in Canada. On Sex In The City (the series) that is.

But in real life, I had drinks with this guy. The actor who played the dick model.

I probably could get a graphic from toywithme.com who is absolutely hilarious – but I is afraid!!! So this post will be cartoon and graphic free of that image!

Anyhoohaw, you could say he tried to pick me up. There was overt eye winks and body postures. It reminded me of girl’s night out last summer… Fond memories, but nonetheless, at a certain age one shouldn’t…dot dot dot…

But we did… so, over dirty martini’s I got to hear all about his new project, blah blah blah – bitch bitch bitch – yawn, yawn, yawn… and there were jokes a-plenty about his perfect “girth” (which I suspect is merely a reference from the show.)

Mostly, I was sorta – hmmm, bored.

On the one hand, he wasn’t particularly funny. Nor was he tall – he barely reached my chin. Which for some gals, might be the perfect height HINT HINT, but well, it made me feel older. Which is wrong, I think… I’m not older than him, I think…

On the other hand, he didn’t fondle his iPhone/Droid/Blackberry so that was a plus.

I secretly think anyone who covets and diddles thy PDA more than they covet and diddle thy lovah is just useless. Cuz guys, if we gals want you, pay attention. Our PDAs have a vibrate mode, hear what I’m saying?? And guys, your iPhone might have an app for this and that, but I promise you, it doesn’t have an app for THAT.

So, while I got to have drinks with this actor who played a dildo-model, I was mildly amused but I wasn’t overly impressed.

Reminds me of this other time I met an incredible hulk… I’ll be your green with envy on that one too! Let me know if you wanna know who that was! Me likey!

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