Tag Archives: mocking

Marked for life…

2 Jul
Irony, coincidence, or karma?
Irony, coincidence, or karma?

If you have to ask who this is, you aren’t getting the subtle humor mocking him here. Here’s an idiom hint for those not paying attention to world news and Washington politics:

It was obvious he was guilty of espionage, it’s a plain as the mole on his neck.

Get it?!

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Adventures in porn…

15 Nov

It all started when my favorite morning radio crew started going on and on and on about porn. How they all watch and enjoy it – well, not together, but you get the gist.

I used to watch porn. Not like every day, but I do fondly recall my first time seeing Debbie Does Dallas. Hell, I remember my second time watching that, too.

Today’s porn is what I call hit-n-quit, nail-n-bail, and smash-n-dash. If you need me to explain that, then you’re not watching enough porn. Shame on you.

The boyfriend asked me what porn turns me on. I really had to think about that. Not so much a fan of girl on girl, mainly because all that scissoring looks awkward – plus those strap on’s would scare even Black Beauty into winning the Triple Crown.

So I gave this more thought. And did some research. And by research, I mean, you know what I mean. What about inter-racial? Gay or bi-sexual? Anal? MILF? Fetish? Midget? As you can see, I have given this all a LOT of thought (rolling my eyes.)

I don’t get it.

I decided the best thing to do is to start with the basics and move on from there. My first adventure was your basic one guy, one girl flick. I spent more time critiquing their bodies than anything else. Such as “Dude, she’s got fucked up teefs, you might reconsider that mouth hug there…” and “Why does he have a Farmer Ted tan?”

Alright then. On to the next. This one sounded intriguing and had a plot! It was even shot on location inside a public restroom. My curiosity totally got the best of me – I mean, really? Yes, really. The producer / slash leading man/ slash cameraman met the girl IN THE STALL and after a clinical discussion about what she would and wouldn’t do (nothing was off limits), and whether she had any STDs or questions (which she didn’t or so claimed), it was strip down baby and on our knees. On the bathroom tiled floor. With no knee protection! And see folks, herein lies my problem. I started yelling “What a dick! She’s gonna be bruised for DAYS!”

Then he switched positions and yes, people, he sat ON TOP OF THE TOILET SEAT and she reverse cowgirl’d him. How is this even possible you ask? Yeah, same here. I screamed “This is totally hilarious – I mean, come on, who can even DO that?!”

OK, now what?

I’m perusing the titles and intro’s and stills on the porn site to see what else might be worth mocking watching. Oh look, here’s a man with his entire FIST up a girl’s butt… Or maybe the bukkake one… Or what about the…

Sigh.

Last night, I tried anal. I just love saying that. The girl had a nice ass. I think she bleached too. So no mocking from me there. But the video was only about 4 minutes long and ended with her giving oral – to which I gaped in horror over the chances she just got E. Coli or hepatitis.

Maybe the problem is that I’m expecting something that home porn simply cannot deliver. I mean, even the cat is bored here.

Where’s my catnip?

I worry that, for me, porn is like a train wreck. I can’t turn away from it, I’m fascinated by the carnage, and feel bad for everyone involved. Next up: midget porn. If nothing else, I can check that off my bucket list of things to do before I die.

I’m seriously addicted…

20 Aug

So I love shoes. I’m a girl. I also love eyeliner and shiny lip gloss. Call me crazy, but I like being a girl.

The disadvantage of course, with my love affair with shoes, is that I tend to buy too many of them.

After purchasing a new pair of Cole Haan wedges last night, the door to my bedroom slammed shut. Not from a ghost or my best friend in anger, but because I had a cross-breeze a blowing through the condo.

So I did what any sane, normal, well-adjusted girl would do.

I took my best friend’s make up bag and propped it against the door. Then I sneered at it every time I saw it. Which is a lot because my place is teeny tiny.

I sneered because I’m an “everything in its place in my place” kind of girl. I even have a basket next to the front door where all my flip flops live. I don’t like shit just lying around. Purses on the coat rack, pens/paper in the basket, coasters in their holder.

You might call it anal-retentive, but I choose to call it “personal tidiness”. T-Bomb calls it OCD. I will admit that I do count to 10 when I see something out of place before put it back.

So anyhoohaw, the door slams and scares the bejeesus out of me. Made me jump and almost made me spill my cocktail. And that’s no bueno.

I decided to go online to the Amazon gods to see what they have in the form of a door stopper.

This is what I found.

I seriously love shoes…

Like most of my shoes, I fell in love and bought it immediately.

My name is Lisa and I have an addiction.

50 Shades of dissapointed…

1 Aug

Nothing disappoints me more than wasting my time. Except of course, wasting my money. Or spilling a martini.

Thank god my Mom bought this trilogy and I got to download it for FREE. So there’s at least that. Oh, and that this little trilogy thingy gave me something to snark about. #FTW

I skimmed through finished the book in like two days. My friend Molly warned me that the sex scenes would spiral into mind-numbingly boring, so I was prepared at least for that. But the plot and writing was just so freaking absurb.

And it kinda pisses me off they refer to this as Mommy Porn. First, that’s demeaning to mom’s who like to get their freak on, and second, this was less e-rotica and more poor-rotica, so I found this hilarious picture that about sums it all up.

It’s been weeks since I finished the book and I am now just getting around to writing the review. Why you ask? Well, because I was raised on the adage “if you have nothing nice to say, then don’t say anything… until you have something really good and biting ready.”

The thing that disappointed me so much about this book is that it barely took off its panties to sit on the rim of sexual decadence. I expected a more uninhibited view into the world of psychological and sexual exploits.

Plus, these two characters are so annoying that I just want to flog the shit out of them both. And unfortunately, for them, they’d enjoy it, so what’s the point?

So I decided to not even bother picking stupid plot points out and mocking the crap out of them. Sorta. On the other hand, if you want a succinct review read Richard Branson’s – I’ll fly Virgin fo sho now!

Instead, I’ve decided to devote this blog to fantasizing about how the movie is going to capture the pure essence of certain scenes.

  • Tampon: Remember when Christian literally yanked the tampon out of Ana’s hoohaw so they could have sex? I almost puked at that – so I feel sorry in advance for the key grip.
  • Blow jobs: There is nothing our girl doesn’t enjoy more than playing the saxophone and even more fantastic for her is the instrument’s climactic finale.
  • Washing Toys: I can’t wait to see how they tackle this one. Open scene… Ana walking downstairs with butt plug in hand (pun intended) and runs into the maid on the way, who is clearly on her way to that playroom to clean the peen filled sheets. If there’s a God out there, she will write the scene with the humor that this affords. Please close up on the maids face when she’s taking inventory of the toy chest. Please!

My tip to you, if you haven’t read these books, is to hurry up and do so! You’ll either love it or hate it. Either way, conversations with and among women have never been more livelier, so for that, EL James, thanks. Errr, laters baby.

50 Shades of what the…

8 Jun

Somewhere around chapter 11, I noticed a big difference. I think E.L. James recognized she is a shitty writer and decided to fire her editor. Either that, or she fired herself as a so-called-author and hired a ghost.

Either way, the writing slightly improved. SLIGHTLY. The story, while still very much aimed at introducing teens to kinky fuckery  – at least showed some continuity.

I can see why everyone is talking about these books. First, where the EFF is the erotica? Second, I get the whole “I want to explore my inner submissive”. And third, what boundaries can you test without losing your goddamn mind?

My inner goddess never cheered Anastasia on. I thought she would. I mean, I opened this book with an equally open mind. I have NO problem with exploring the more naughty and wicked sides of our pysche, but I just cannot and will not see an innocent girl EVER in a position of accepting the Red Room of Pain with an open mind. That is likely why this call this crap Mommy Porn.

I wanted to bitch slap her subconscious every time she referenced herself as being a ‘ho’. Hey, if a gazillionaire wants to buy you some fancy clothes, computers and a car, let him. Jeez Louise. She’s willing to take one for the team, but oh no, not a Macbook? Silly chit.

She knows he’s way the fuck fucked up yet still thinks he can love her vanilla style right out the gate? Is this really how the youth today process through complicated situations? Me, Me, Me, Me, MeMeMeMeMEMEMEMEMEME…. Put a pacifier in her mouth next time Christian, she’s such a whiney fucking idiot.

In case you don’t know what Vanilla style sex is…

Anyhoohaw. I am now on book two. It’s called “Darker”. So far, my favorite mocking moment is when… under threat at 2am by an ex-sub-gun-toting-suicidal-lunatic, Anastasia wants to discuss literal comments he makes in an effort to protect her.

You see, his ex-sub trashed the car he bought her. She wants to know how the ex even knew it was hers. He confesses he bought that same car for all his subs. She thought it was her graduation (from college you pervs) present.

He replies: “…despite what I hoped, you have never been my submissive…” And this people is now all she can think of. That he still secretly wants her in his playpen of feathers and canes and ropes and chains.

The big problem I’m finding with this story line, besides the lack of hot nasty sex, is this child-woman is at her first junior high dance and thinks she has a pimple but really her date just wants in her pants. But even I can tell, E.L. has decided that this lil innocent dove has saved the depraved Christian from his lonely past and only she can free his lost soul. Gag me now with a velvet sash.

P.R.E.D.I.C.T.A.B.L.E.

Ain't no real kinky fuckery in this book...

So as I finish this book, I’m not surprised that they have only done some slightly benign yet mildly erotic things. And not surprised that she fell even more madly in love with our twisted hero, and when I start  book three titled “Freed”, I’m sure it will live up to the title. Hence, no serious bondage or true kinky fuckery.


I’ve lost it…

9 May

I seem to have lost something. Maybe I left it in a drawer in my old house. Or it’s sitting in a box on a shelf in my storage closet? I used to carry it with me every day and now *poof* it’s simply gone.

The odd thing is I don’t remember losing it. I guess I didn’t even notice it was missing, which is almost more upsetting than not having it anymore.

I’m talking about my snark. My passion for sarcasm and antics. My funny.

I used to find this hilarious…

I’ve worn it like a trench coat covering my naked body, allowing me to flash my goods at random passersby and feeling all proper at the same time.

Just a year ago, I was discussing the family dominatrix with my friend’s father. Just before that, I was dancing on a table with a hot young actor. Since then, nuttin.

So now I begin the hunt for my old humor and mirth. I’ll start at Walmart to see if I can find it there.

Does this really need a caption?

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