Tag Archives: Sex

50 Shades of what?

24 May

So my mom and sister are all hyped up over this book. I think one of my besties told me about it too – I think she fanned herself when she told me it’s filled with hot, erotic sex. So naturally, I had to immediately download this to my Kindle and pour a martini.

Chapter 1.

What the FUCK people? This is a poorly written Harlequin Romance novel, with the most idiotic prose I have read since I was twelve. But since I am, after all, a 12-year old at heart, I keep reading, my mind drifting back to 5th grade and Molly, my reading buddy, bestie and first girl kiss. I wonder if she’s read this? (She’s reading this blog post so perhaps she’ll share?)

****SPOILER ALERT****

Don’t read this post if a) you don’t want to read me mocking this book so far, or b) if you intend to read it and wonder if the maiden gets her rose petal plucked and plundered by his manly sword.

Now if you weren’t aware, this is Twilight fanfiction – where a serious fan decided Edward and Bella should actually be into kinky fuckery. The fanfiction turned into something a bit more lucrative and the author changed the characters’ names to Anastasia and Christian. Whatevs.

Anyhoohaw, I just finished Chapter 8. So far, our mousy and clutsy heroine (who probably has a secret smell that is Christian’s personal brand of heroin) has asked him if he’s gay, drunk dialed him, vomited in front of him, been man-handled in an elevator (OK, that was hawt.) Then, he whisks her to Seattle in a helicopter, gives her some wine, and makes her sign a non-disclosure agreement about anything they do or talk about. What the FUCK people?

He says he needs to show her his playroom. Her reply was something like “you want to play with your XBox?” I expected his reply to be filled with innuendo and was sorely miffed that he didn’t even try. Harrumph.

The playroom was filled with all sorts of shit I have no idea how it’s used. I’m certain the clinical descriptions provided in chapter 7 are quite accurate, buy *yawn*, didn’t make my heart pound.

Keep in mind people, Anastasia is a virgin. Kissed maybe two or three times in her LIFE. So I find it humorous that she doesn’t run for the hills. Instead, they calmly discuss Tess of the d’Ubervilles and debasement.

Me: Dear Author, I prefer less literary reference and more innuendo with my erotica, thanks.

The first sex scenes are kinda just so-so. So far, I don’t see the hype. Am I the only one rolling my eyes at the prose?Readers, enlighten me? What am I missing, besides really good writing and story telling…

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Dancing with the devil

30 May

I lead a perty darned good life. One filled with interesting and funny people who tell me the most outrageous things. I suspect they do this because the more scandalous the story, the more I laugh, clap, and sparkle. Gawd I love my friends!

Villa Tranquilla

So this post is about the weekend we had recently in Sonoma. It was HER birthday and she invited a group of friends and family for some drunken debauchery.

And of course, good wine, good food, good times, and general insanity.

In advance, HER told me that I would really like her dad, but to watch out. She said “Oh, yeah, he’s gonna just love you.” She said this part part looking me straight in the eye and laughing. I cocked my head, cuz after all, she knows me. I mean KNOWS ME. Knows what a huge flirt I am and how I tend to instigate crazy antics.

Anyhoohaw, we meet up at Flowers along the Sonoma Coast and while it was like only 10:30 in the morning, drinking wine just felt natural for HER and I. Since we tend to spend a lot of weekends together, we tell ourselves it’s totally okay to start drinking whenever we want because it’s always 5:00p somewhere.

Wine tasting? NO, they gave us four WHOLE BOTTLES to drink. Yay!

So after the first day of tasting drinking a barrel full of wine on an empty stomach, HER dad arrives at Villa Tranquilla. He’s 69 years old (he says with a wink and a leer), fit, flirty, and quick to laugh. Oh hell to the yeah! He and I bonded faster than two fingers and some super glue.

He’s drinking whiskey in a wine glass (oh the humor!) – and I’m drunkety drunk apparently feeling very comfortable with him. It was mutual. V.E.R.Y. And while us womenfolk were off in the living room dancing, the menfolk were in the kitchen (making us food *thanks*) – well, all except for HER dad. He’s hanging out with us ladies in the living room.

I was in charge of the playlist so I decided some Rihanna was needed. At one point, HER dad and I were dirty-ish dancing. For the rest of the weekend he continually reminded me that I am responsible for pulling his “inner thigh muscle too hard“. I of course reminded him that he should’ve stretched more before dancing with the devil. He loved this!

So the next day, after drinking my dirty mary’s for a little hair of the dog recovery, and then hitting our first winery, we all headed to lunch. I sat near HER dad. Who regaled me with so many stories that I laughed so loud it was somewhat reminiscent of Sally showing Harry in the diner how a fake orgasm is properly done. Fist slamming the table and screaming Yes! Yes!

Pronounced: DOM-IN-NOT-TRICKS

You see, he announced to me that they have a dominatrix (pronounced DOM-IN-NOT-TRICKS) in the family.

Me: Get out!  *open handed slapping the table*

HER Dad: Oh, it’s true. And she’s quite hot.

Me: Wha?  *slamming the table screaming YES!*

HER: People, this is lunch.  *rolling her eyes*

Me: I love you!!

HER dad: She’s a professional.

Me: As in “I get paid to help you work out your submissive issues?”

HER dad: Yes, and she’s married to my nephew.

Me: So let me get this shit straight *clapping with glee*, she ties her “clients” up and helps them work through their bid-ness and then goes home. Where possibly her husband casually inquires “How was your day, dear?”

HER dad: Yes, exactly. It’s quite fascinating.

Me: Does she use whips and chains and other props, like a riding crop or dog collar? *completely fascinated*

HER dad: Yeah, I think she does.

HER: GUYS!!!

Me: *sorta shamefaced, and now grinning slyly at HER dad with a gesture indicating ‘we’ll continue this convo later’*

By the way, Harissa French Fries are the bomb. Seriously good. And if you don’t already know this about me, I am a huge foodie.

Overall, the weekend antics and whatnot was epic and just the right amount of naughty! HER dad flirted like a pro with me, to which he openly admitted and frankly, I so totally dug! And there was lots of drinking, dancing, laughing, and storytelling. HER family is crazazy insane in a very good way – and I’m certain we will do this again. And by this, I mean everything you think I mean.

For now, in vino veritas. There is truth in wine. Where it’s from, how it grows, it’s environmental influences, how it’s made, smells, tastes, and makes you feel. Like the bouquet of life, wine reminds us how precious each bottle is, and how special it is to open it to good friends.

To HER for including all of us on her special day – I love you girlfriend!

E.D. It’s not just for breakfast anymore…

31 Mar

The other night, I got together with two of my crazy bitch co-workers. Damn, I love these women. WorkItGirl and HotBabyMama.

WorkItGirl asked me last week to help her “shop” for a new man in her life. What the hell did I get myself into?

So we meet up, and I ask “what are we shopping for anyway” and WorkItGirl tells me they are going to Yosemite. Immediately, I conjure imagines of hiking and whatnot. I decide the best advice I can give her is to wear some cute hiking knee socks, some cheeky panties and a hot ass bra. Yeah baby! Cuz that’s how I’d rock the hiking look. Oh yeah, and pigtails. Cuz I’m naughty (shocking yes?)

They don't REALLY have to be hiking socks. So not the point.

I ask WorkItGirl how she met him in the first place and she tells me it was through eHarmony. I’m like “wha?” and she’s like “I kno” and then she tells me and HotBabyMama the story of this guy she met once for coffee.  Who was a complete WTF and a funny story. (And not the guy she’s going to Yosemite with.)

So anyhoohaw, she meets this guy for coffee and he proceeds to tell her about his erectile dysfunction. Over coffee. Did I mention it was 10am? Do we not have propriety here? WTF?

She is goaded by her BFF for life to give him another chance. First off, there is nothing wrong with admitting you have ED. I’m lying. And mocking. If you have ED, shut the fuck up. Lie bitch. Especially on the first date. At breakfast no less.

But she decides, okay, maybe I freaked out and should give him another chance. Maybe it was misunderstood?

She meets Mr. ED for dinner.

All is well until dessert. Where he decides to spill the T.R.U.T.H. – over creme brulee no less. Apparently Mr. ED is undergoing a surgerical penile implant to help him with this little problem. He’s really selling himself to WorkItGirl with this expenditure.

Me and HotBabyMama devolve into mindless giggles. Just in time for the waitress to arrive. Whereby I spill the sad truth that we’re talking about penile implants and yes, please, may I have another martini? Three olives, shake it up I like it dirty…

I’m so glad I’m not single. And so glad I have friends who have such colorful lives and stories that allow me to feel their pain, mirth, and currently – joy.

P.S. WorkItGirl found some rockin knee high hiking socks. Schwing!

Nice chew toy…

12 Feb

I had martini’s the other night with my friend Inga.

She told me a story about what happened the other night to a friend of hers.  It’s a cautionary tale in many ways.

Like most single gals, Betty is kinda like Wonder Woman: she works, pays her mortgage, cooks, cleans, kicks ass and loves jewelry. She has good friends and her parents are even nearby.

So in Wonder Woman’s very busy world, she sometimes has to squeeze in some special “personal” time. If you catch my drift… And that time was around 7:30p the other night.

It was also about that time when Wonder Woman’s parents decided to make an unannounced visit. The quick knock knock on the front door followed by the parents letting themselves in yelling out “Betty, where are you?” had Betty flying off the bed faster than Wonder Woman fighting off bullets with those awesome bracelets.

With a zip, tuck and tug, she flew downstairs. Patted her hair. Chatted with the folks who said they just popped over on their way to dinner, would she like to join? She didn’t have a chance to answer this…

Oh, did I mention Wonder Woman has a dog? A big black lab. Calls her Sunshine. She’s an inquisitive and loving doggie. Loves to play. Ummm hmmm.

While Wonder Woman was distracted by her parents, little miss Sunshine decided it was time for a game of fetch. And she knew just the perfect stick to retrieve.

Running into Wonder Woman’s bedroom, Sunshine spots her target, gleefully grabs it, and makes a mad dash downstairs to get the humans to toss it for her. “Look at me! Look at me!” she cries to them. So they did.

“What the ach?”

Sunshine is sporting a 6″ black sex toy gripped between her doggie lips, drool kinda dangling off one side. Wonder Woman, since she really doesn’t telepath with her dog, instead yelled “Sunshine!”

And Sunshine promptly sat down, dropped her new big black dong chew toy between them all, and wagged her tail furiously. And barked.

At first stunned by the fact that there was big black dong chew toy resting at their feet, nobody moved. Then Mom starts to bend down to retrieve it when Wonder Woman quickly grabbed it and tossed it out the back door. Prayed to the Amazon Gods that her folks didn’t actually see what it was.

I say look at the bright side. It could have been worse. At least it wasn’t vibrating.

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